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21
WAYS TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE
For
the Land-Locked Sailor whom misses the good old days
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01
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door
with a curtain. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your
wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your
eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack" |
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02
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, have someone flush the toilet repeatedly, make sure you shut off
the water while soaping. |
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03
Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a
wobbly rocking chair and rock as
hard as you can until you're nauseous |
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04
Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to High. |
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05
Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the
night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to
watch, then show a different one. |
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06
(Optional for ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower
running in your living room eight hours a day for proper noise level. |
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07
Have the paperboy give you a haircut. |
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08
Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's
house. Laugh at him when
he curses you. |
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09
Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub. |
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10
Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything.
(Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup). |
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11
Make up your family menu a week ahead of time
without looking in your food cabinets or
refrigerator. |
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12
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose. |
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13
Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and
then put them back together. |
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14
Use 18 scoops of budget coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5
or 6 hours before drinking.
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15
Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months. |
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16
Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your
coffee table and lie under it to read books. |
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17
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front
and back doors so that you either trip over the
threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass
through one of them. |
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18
Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
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19
When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking.
Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top. |
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20
Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man overboard, ship recovery!".
Run into the kitchen
and sweep all the pots/pans & dishes off of the counter
onto the floor, then yell at your wife/husband/kids for
not having the place stowed for sea. |
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21
Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in).
Go and stand in front of your stove, say (to no one in
particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand
there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to no one in particular) "Stove
secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away. |
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